Wednesday, August 21, 2013

"Blue Balls are the New Black: Edging 101"

I'm honored to have been interviewed for, and quoted in, this great new article on Edging by Hannah Miet (@hannahmiet):

Here are a couple of quick links for the readers who found their way here from

- My Blog Posts on Edging (including the Rules for a couple of Edging Games): Written Assignment Reports from some of my boys and gurls referring to Edging:

A lot of the assignments also include crossdressing, written punishments and other kink. Scroll down on the page for some of the reports from the more intense Edging Games.

- The published version of my Beltane Assignment specifically includes Edging, along with Penis Decoration, which is why it is referenced in certain posts. Here are some of the assignment reports:

I am very happy that she choose to quote my beliefs and philosophy behind Cock Control and my use of Edging instead of just focusing on the kinky stuff. For your reading pleasure, here is more of what I sent her in the email interview:

Q: In your perspective, what is the ultimate goal of edging?

A:  There are several different possible goals for edging, but ultimately I think they all come down to better utilizing sexual energy and heightening sensual and sexual pleasure. 

Edging is a way of training a man find his own "point of no return" (which is actually more like a cliff) and then learn to ride, or at least repeated get close to, the edge of it without going over. In doing so, he gains more control over his own body, and becomes a better lover, both for himself and for his partner(s). Edging while masturbating alone can help him focus on learning to listen to his body's messages telling him when he is getting close and needs to slow down without all the other input of being with another person. Then it can be translated into his lovemaking with a partner. In addition, it steps up his own masturbation sessions from a mundane routine to a deeply intense experience, simply by taking the time to really experience his own reactions and really feel them, edging several times, with or without a release.

I  have studied Tantric, Taoist and Magickal sexual beliefs and practices, and agree that a man usually loses energy (basically chi) when he comes. As a dominant woman, I also believe that a man's penis and his orgasm are ultimately for the pleasure of his partner, and they should be devoted to her (or him) whenever possible, whether physically, energetically or both. Too many men get into the routine habit of a few yanks and they are done. Likewise, they do this without any meaning or value. They waste tons of energy that could be put into deepening their own sexual experiences, pleasuring their partner(s), building a deeper relationship, helping around the house or even doing better in their careers. Edging builds this energy before releasing it, deepening the sexual experience and/or allowing it to be better channeled toward their partner or themselves. 

When I am playing with any long distance boy, I start training him to ingest his own cum, which is a way of reabsorbing the physical aspect of this energy rather than wasting it. Likewise, I have boys learn to thank me for their orgasms, and those who become mine may even say a special mantra devoting themselves to me as they masturbate, thereby sending me their unused energy, and building our connection. A lot of men don't realize that when they fantasize about someone or something when they cum, that that is where they are sending their energy. I do feel that energy does need to be allowed to flow and that orgasms are important for physical, mental and spiritual health, however, I believe in valuing them by waiting until a time when you can intentionally share or devote them with meaning to someone or something that is important to you. Therefore, I believe in short term chastity of days or weeks, but not long term chastity of many months or years. Edging is a way of building the energy, rather than letting it stagnate, until the right time.

Q: Can you tell me a little bit about #chastitystatus?

A: #ChastityStatus is a Twitter hashtag for males to use in reporting how many days they have gone without having an orgasm. Whether they touch or not, edge or not, have other sexual experiences or not, is up to them or their owner/partner/lover/Mistress/Master. They do not have to be locked in a chastity device, but many of those who tweet do wear devices. It is a method of support for those who are trying to save their sexual energy until an appropriate time for release, and it is a way for the male and/or his owner/partner/ lover/Mistress/Master to easily track his status.  Day 0 is the day that the orgasm occurs. Day 1 is the next day, and so on. 

Q: Can you explain how you use edging with "online only" boys and girls?

A: I use edging to teach my boys control, to heighten their own sexual experiences, as well as my own, and to exert my long-distance control over them. As a Domme, I love doing something and watching, hearing or reading about the reaction that I have caused. Knowing that I make a man hard shows my effect on him, knowing that he is yearning to touch but isn't because of he is not allowed shows my control, and having him stop so close, without doing the one thing every impulse in his body wants to do, shows the depth of it. Contrary to what some might imagine based on cultural pre-conceptions, I am a sensualist, not a sadist, and the edges that I like to push are with intensity and control, not pain. 

(Everyone that I play with is genetically male, primarily because I myself am straight. I do love the contrast of dressing up a hard man in softly, feminine lingerie, and delight in pantyboys. With my CD/TV/TS sisters, the closer they are to transformation, the more the play becomes less sexual and more about pretty clothes, makeup and cuddling. Often the gurls don't edge, unless it is by rubbing through panties or against pillows, because taking a cock in hand is such a masculine experience.)  

I practice something that I call Cock Control with my boys and gurls. This means not only controlling whether, when and how they can engage in any gratuitous touching (including when and how many times/for how long they are allowed to edge), and when they can cum, but also having them wear cock rings, chastity devices and/or panties for my pleasure, whether it be in the visual presentation or in the shared secret that they are wearing them for me. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Boys Need to Think on Their Feet & Anticipate Their Mistresses' Needs

Your job, as a sub, is to make your Mistress' life easier and more pleasurable. This doesn't have to be difficult, and you should get better at it as you get to know your Mistress, what she likes and how she likes it.

Something happened recently with a boy which I still don't quite understand. I assumed that any male, submissive or not, would know what to do and proceed to do it. Yes, I did assume rather than give specific orders, but this is one of those areas where it's just the normal thing to do, so you shouldn't need orders - or so I thought. I've debated over posting this because part of it is venting, but I've decided that it would also be a good lesson for anyone else who also needs a clue.

In this case, it was a sub who I had spent time with several years ago, but who didn't work out. He had contacted me, saying that his attitude had changed - that he had learned to focus on pleasing his Goddess rather than on himself - and wanted to try again. I wasn't so sure, but after some consideration I decided that it wouldn't hurt to at least meet as there were some aspects of him that I had enjoyed.

Said sub promised me a nice dinner as soon as he was able to do so, and knew that I wanted to go to a favorite steak place because I was craving their prime rib. Because of his work schedule and the distance between us, he said that he could only do dinner on the weekend. That was more than fine, however, it meant that we were going to this yummy steak restaurant, located in the plaza area attached to a large shopping mall, on one of the busiest nights of the week. This mall doesn't have a parking deck, and I knew parking might take a while and require a bit of a walk, as well as the wait at the restaurant itself. I confirmed that he knew where it was located, and then I called to confirm that they had the prime rib that night, and made reservations. After thinking about it, I also called to check on another restaurant, located only a couple doors away, that I also love. I was craving the second place's frozen, fruity drinks, and with the summer heat, I was considering whether I might prefer their lighter fare, but they were not taking reservations.

As it was nearing time for dinner, I realized that I was running late getting in the shower. I called and left him voice mail saying that I was going to be 15 minutes late - maybe more like 30 with parking. I knew he was already on his way, but assumed that he would use the time to find a good parking space and start making his way to the steak place to check on the seating situation. I didn't mention the other restaurant yet, as I felt it would be too complicated, and was still trying to decide which place I really wanted to eat... part of it really depended on the wait at the second place. I fully expected that he would be in, or near, the plaza by the time I got out of the shower. I have sent boys ahead to get a seat at a restaurant before. This time I was sincerely running late, but planned to call him, get a report and tell him what I wanted him to do from there.

He left me voicemail while I was in the shower saying that he was on the way and had gotten my voicemail. I called him back after I got out of the shower to check in on things. I asked where he was, and this is what I truly do not understand: He said that he had gone to the mall, but had only been able to find a space way out on the perimeter. He had been sitting in his car (Goddess only knows why!) and had gotten hot, so he had moved his car to a parking lot a mile away, on the other side of the freeway, and was just sitting there, waiting, in the shade!

I told him to get his butt back over to the mall and find parking, to check the other restaurant that I was interested in and get on the wait list there if the wait wasn't too long, but first to call the steak place and move the reservation later (as a backup) since it was already past time for our reservations. This is all stuff that he should have already been in place for and able to do. He said he didn't know the number for the steak place, so, a bit exasperated,  I said fine - that I would handle it. Sitting there in my towel, I used my smartphone to look up the number and called to move the reservation. Later, over dinner, he mentioned having a smartphone with the same OS as mine, so he could have called just as easily as I did, and not wasted my time while I was trying to get dressed. As one of my better boys said when I told him about this, even if you don't have a smartphone, use 411. "That's what phones are for!"

I quickly finished getting dressed and went over to meet him for dinner. Parking took some patience, but I was able to find a space on the same side of the plaza as the restaurants and closer than expected.

Just as I was parking, he called me and said, "We have a problem." I asked what was wrong. He said that there was some sort of performance going on on the plaza (it was just some local bands playing) and, that he couldn't find any parking! I told him I had literally just parked close to the restaurants, and that he just needed to be patient with it. I walked by valet parking as I approached the restaurants, so asked the attendant if it was available and how much it was, and then I called and told him that it was there if he needed it. Next, I went by and checked on both restaurants - getting on the waiting list, with a beeper, for the second one, and took a seat on the plaza just outside of it to listen to the music and wait on him.

Now, I ask you what is wrong with this picture?

After this happened, I asked several boys to make sure that I wasn't expecting too much:

  • They all agreed that for any date, whether with a Mistress or not, they would have parked close by and would have gone to the restaurant to check on things.
  • Some of them would have also offered to pay for the valet parking for me if I needed it, assuming that they saw it or knew that it was there. 
  • They all would have found a way to contact the restaurant to change the reservation and would have found the number to call on their own, either by searching from their phone or by calling information. (If he wasn't sure about the exact restaurant name or street address, he could have easily asked me, and I expected him to do so if he needed more information on either restaurant.)   
Most of all, they agreed that it was their place to make things easier for me, and that they would have done the best to take care of things while they were waiting on me. And that they would have done their damnedest to make sure that I was not stuck waiting on them. 

The main issue that I see here is a lack of initiative on the part of the potential sub. If you are applying to be a personal service submissive, you should be thinking ahead and suggesting or doing things to make your Mistresses' life easier. Instead, he sat there and did nothing, which, by default, put it on me to take care of things. To make matters worse, he wasted my time by actively moving away from things rather than moving forward to handle them.

Also, sometimes I am also too nice. In retrospect, I should have made him call and handle the reservations, both beforehand and when moving the time. 

Obviously, I have not seen this boy again, and don't have any plans to do so. 

If You Would Like To Apply to Me...